Tag: Be Clear

The anger paradox

9 Coping with  anger

Every individual however calm and tolerant he/ she is will at times get angry either because they are provoked or because they are upset at what they observe and do not approve. The vast majority of us are quick to get angry, some because they are short tempered others because they are easily frustrated and some because they are idealists and seek perfection all the time. The irony is that most times our anger is justifiable but how we give in to our anger is questionable. We rave, we rant, we scream, shout, abuse, threaten and in extreme cases vent our anger in a physical form. Unfortunately the anger we express allows us to let off steam but rarely does it propel the relationship much further.

The intensity of our anger is largely expressed in direct proportion to the intimacy of the person to whom it is directed e.g. husband and wife or parent and children. In other cases the intensity is largely inversely proportionate to the level of the organizational hierarchy of the sender and receiver of the angry exchange e.g. the superior will inflict all his anger on the junior most subordinate and will sulk to express anger with a superior. With strangers the intensity of our anger depends on the situation, our perception of the individual at who we direct our anger and how effectively the quick release of anger calms us down. What is interesting is that having expressed our anger we do tend to get a sense of relief but very very rarely do we actually resolve the problem effectively. By expressing our anger we certainly convey our emotion but do not effectively convey the real problem nor do we get the full attention of those who we address. Most times expressing anger triggers defensive responses from the recipient who try to apportion blame or to justify the action or simply apologize and escape.

On the other hand if we can pinpoint to ourselves what exactly annoys, irritates and angers us, we would be able to explain our anger perhaps forcefully but certainly very effectively. Our anger is often a quick reaction to what we perceive as an action that is contrary to our expectations. At times our anger could be completely misplaced and if we explain our anger, we would perhaps get to hear a very plausible reasoning for the action. Explaining our anger would educate the recipient, it would also make the recipient better appreciate our point of view and most of all it will be enable the person explaining and the person listening connect and see the issue from the same perspective. Explaining anger would spur the recipient to proactively rectify the problem and this in effect means you are enabling a solution, resolving an issue and achieving our objective.

Expressing anger may give temporary relief to the person expressing it but explaining anger will certainly direct energy and action towards a more permanent solution to the problem.

Try this:

  • Can you recall 3 incidences where you were at the receiving end of somebody’s anger? Were you really guilty or culpable as indicated by the person admonishing you?
  • Think of one or two times when you expressed your anger only to sheepishly realize that your anger was completely misplaced. Do you think you could have handled the situation differently and more effectively with loss of face?
  • You were entrusted with Rs.5,000 in cash to be deposited in the bank. Since one of your office colleagues was going to the bank you asked her to deposit it on your behalf. Unfortunately her handbag containing your money was stolen on the way. How would you react to this situation? How do you expect the person who entrusted you with the money to react when you explain the matter to him.

This post is courtesy www.actspot.com

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Stand up for something or…

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.  Michael Evans

A problem many of us face is not getting an answer to the question ‘ what do I want ?’ Obviously then getting satisfaction is very difficult because we will never know when we are satisfied. If all this sounds confusing then I suggest that you just do a small exercise now. Write down the amount of money that will make you completely contended. Now assume you get that money write down how you will spend each day.  I hope you have written down you answer and not just let it float around in your mind. If the answer to these questions are difficult to jot down then you know that you are part of the majority who has no clue what they want!

Most times we know what we want but can’t specify it. E.g we all want lots of money but can’t decide how much will satisfy us. Or we want a beautiful house but we can’t pinpoint more details. Notice that this problem begins because we use an adjective to camouflage our inability to pinpoint our needs/ wants. So the solution to this problem lies in us constantly attempting to be very very specific about what we seek. Many of our troubles would simply vanish if we are clear in our mind about whatever we aspire for. Let us say we want to give a donation. For this we need to be clear as to whom we want to give it for, the amount one wishes to donate and the cause for which we are donating. The answers are never easy and often frustrate us for then we end up being indecisive.

The problem with being unsure and indecisive is that we are then guided by the ‘herd mentality’ where we succumb to the pressures of following those who are in a majority. Career choices for example confuse youngsters who have just finished their schooling. Fortunately for many they are clear about the subjects that they dislike so by default they atleast reject those career options involving subjects they dislike. This brings us to a wonderful technique of zooming in on your preferences by the elimination route. This simply means examining an choice and eliminating it because you are uncomfortable with that option.  Our choice of friends is often a result of the elimination of people who we are uncomfortable with.

The real downside of not being clear and standing up for what we really want is that we very often end up choosing a compromise option which may solve one problem but can spark of a multitude of other problems.  E.g We laze around instead of studying and then decide that for lack of a choice we have to copy in the exam. Obviously copying is fraught with danger of being rusticated and failing ignobly.  Many people are caught in the rut called a job simply because we hate the alternatives or fear them. If only we were more clear as to what job would make us happy and contented we would first attempt to find that in the current job before scouting around for what we want.

Remember: Although our intellect always longs for clarity and certainty, our nature often finds uncertainty fascinating.  Karl Von Clausewitz

Try this:

  1. Currently the FIFA World Cup is on. If you had to choose the Winner how will you go about it? What considerations will influence you choice of picking your winner?
  2. Attempt to make a drawing of your dream house. Make it as elaborate as possible with no budget constraints in mind. Next jot down the location of the house and pick a neighbor from the following options – your in laws, your former girlfriend / boyfriend, your boss

This post is courtesy www.actspot.com

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